Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a tv show about a girl called Buffy (duh) who Slays (you go girl) Vampires (woah). It's also on Disney+ so I started watching it a few weeks ago on a whim. And now, purely for kicks, I'm gonna review the first season. There will be spoilers. I apologize if I get any details wrong, I watched it over the last few weeks and wasn't really taking notes. I also haven't googled anything because like, I'm watching this to have fun.
I didn't know a lot going in to the show. I knew it was sometimes considered a staple of gay tv, I assumed in the same way that say Xena is, for featuring a strong female lead. I also assumed that I might not super be in the target audience for the show, as someone who once dated a vampire and still remembers it fondly. I also knew it was a Joss Whedon production (boo hiss).
I do think that all media is complex and has good and bad and sometimes people get too caught up in classifying everything as "good" or "bad" and forget that it's both. But honestly, that should get its own essay, along with the one about bad people sometimes making good media and us being able to appreciate it while still holding them accountable for being bad people.
So, with that said, let's talk about the characters. The main cast consists of Buffy, her two besties Willow and Xander, her mentor Giles, the school alpha Cordelia, tall-dark-and-mysterious bad boy Angel, and the main villain The Master.
Buffy is our main girl and I have no complaints. She kicks ass, she takes no sass, and she's probably failing her class. Es. She's probably failing her classes. All of them. Buffy is the Slayer, which means she is the Chosen One, destined to save the world from evil vampires, or whatever. I like her. She's usually well written (except for when I'm pretty sure they're making up slang) and well acted. She is not a lesbian, sadly.
Xander is Man Number One in the show, by which I mean he's a sort of "nice guy incel" type? He has exactly one personality trait and it's that he wants to smooch Buffy. He does not develop a second one in the first season. Xander is interesting because, and I don't know how else to describe this, he keeps dressing like a lesbian? Like, I was sending pics of him to my lesbians and saying "you would wear this, right?" and they all kept going "yup, I own that exact outfit". I'm trying to figure out if all the lesbians I knew grew up watching Buffy or imitating those who did watch Buffy or if Buffy was imitating lesbian culture or it's entirely coincidental or what, but there's definitely something going on there.
Willow is the nerd. That's her personality trait. However, unlike Xander, she has a second personality trait, which is that she really wants to smooch Xander. She gets a lot of good lines.
Giles has one personality trait, and it's that he's British.
Cordelia has one personality trait, and it's that she walked off the set of Mean Girls to be here.
Angel is... okay so like Angel is this 100 year old vampire or whatever who really wants to kiss Buffy. He also does this bit where he only appears at strange times and keeps vanishing. It's kind of annoying and Buffy keeps calling him out on it, which I appreciate. Buffy also wants to kiss him. And it's... kind of weird? On the other hand, I was watching some Twilight recently and that was much weirder, so maybe my tolerance is in a weird place. The show does keep calling out the age gap as weird and the two of them agree they can't date because of it, which is refreshing.
Finally, there's The Master. He's kind of forgettable, honestly. He's evil. That's about it.
There is something weird about the age gap thing, because I keep struggling to figure out why it wasn't just set in a university. See, the thing about this show is that it is incredibly horny. So horny. Ridiculously horny. And I don't know if my standards are low because modern tv isn't very horny or it's just this one show specifically, but my god. I'm not opposed to horny tv! I like horny tv! I just think I would feel slightly less weird about enjoying it if the characters were all over 18. And I don't think moving it to a university would lose much. The recurring theme of battling authority might have to shift, but I think it would still be workable.
Alright, so, I want to do an episode by episode review! That's my goal. I'm going to rank each episode on several key factors:
- Horniness
- Gayness
- Coolness of Villain
- Fun
Episode 1 - Buffy Arrives
Buffy arrives at a small town. I like the intro of her already knowing she's the slayer and not needing anything explained to her. It gives it a very punchy start compared to how most superhero stuff has like episodes of backstory and so on.
Horniness 3/5 - standard
Gayness 3/5 - standard
Coolness of Villain 1/5 - he's just a guy who happens to be a vampire
Fun 3/5 - standard
Episode 2 - Angel Shows Up
This episode starts a long term trend of people dying and literally no one seeming to care. Xander's friend dies, taking the only evidence of any personality traits other than wanting to smooch Buffy with him. Xander never mentions this again and never seems bothered by it.
Also, this episode introduces some important questions about religion. Crosses work against vampires. And there's a whole mythology that gets introduced later. But no one seems to comment on whether that says anything about if God is real? Does this prove Christianity true in the context of the show? Are they all just assuming Christianity is true and therefore not commenting on it? I have questions.
Horniness 4/5 - Xander and also Angel
Gayness 2/5 - meh
Coolness of Villain 2/5 - points for turning Xander's friend, but nothing super interesting
Fun 4/5 - good twists
Episode 3 - Cheerleading!
I really thought the cheerleading might become a recurring thing, but then Buffy doesn't make the team and it never comes back. Honestly kind of well done. Once again, no one seems to question the dead or maimed students. The principal is way too cheerful.
Horniness 5/5 - Great episode for fans of underaged girls in cheerleading outfits. Kinda cursed.
Gayness 5/5 - Cheerleading
Coolness of Villain 4/5 - Good twist villain! Not a vampire! Bonus points!
Fun 4/5 - Good episode
Episode 4 - The One Where Xander Fucks a Teacher
Xander fucks a teacher. XANDER FUCKS A TEACHER. AND SHE'S A GIANT BUG!!!
Horniness 5/5 - XANDER FUCKS A TEACHER
Gayness 1/5 - THERE IS STRAIGHT TEENAGE BOY ON BUG SEX
Coolness of Villain 2/5 - GIANT BUG WHO SEDUCES TEENAGE BOYS
Fun 3/5 - WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Episode 5 - Buffy Dates a Guy (he's never seen again)
I'm gonna be honest, I cannot even remember what happens in this episode.
Horniness 3/5 - meh
Gayness 3/5 - meh
Coolness of Villain 3/5 - meh
Fun 3/5 - meh
Episode 6 - The Cursed Hyena Episode (bestisode)
Okay. Okay. Okay. This is it. This is the best episode. A group of bullies get possessed by a hyena and one of them is absolutely definitely a lesbian. She got the haircut. She got the vibe. And she brings the whole episode together. Also they eat the principal!!! Like they eat him. Raw. This becomes the first death to be talked about in a later episode, as a new principal shows up later.
Also the other villain maybe commits a cultural appropriation, but he's explicitly evil so whatever.
This was also the episode where I realized that the blurbs on Disney+ are poorly written and give the game away entirely if I make the mistake of reading them.
Horniness 6/5 - Oh man
Gayness 6/5 - Lesbian hyena bully
Coolness of Villain 6/5 - Lesbian hyena bully
Fun 6/5 - Lesbian hyena bully
Episode 7 - Buffy x Angel?
Angel has a tragic backstory that's probably kind of offensive to the Romani people. Also the new principal is somehow the only character capable of commenting on past deaths. I kinda like that.
Horniness 5/5 - It's an Angel episode
Gayness 2/5 - It's an Angel episode
Coolness of Villain 1/5 - She's just like a jealous ex or whatever
Fun 4/5 - Sure
Episode 8 - The One With the Hot CS Teacher
The episode where Willow discovers that online dating is Bad because sometimes a demon will take over the internet and hijack a company to build a robot body in its quest to smooch you.
This episode is also significant for introducing Ms Calendar the CS Teacher, who is awesome. She's a techno-pagan (which means computer witch), she's fun, she goes to Monster Truck Rallies, and I want to either be her or be her student. A+, I wasn't expecting her to be a recurring character but I'm so glad she is (now if only she could get over her crush on Giles and become a lesbian).
Horniness 5/5 - Willow is Horny
Gayness 5/5 - Ms Calendar
Coolness of Villain 5/5 - Robot internet demon? Awesome
Fun 5/5 - Heck yeah
Episode 9 - Jesus Fuck Why Is That Puppet So Horny
Okay look, doing a creepy puppet episode was a choice, but god why did you have to make it so fucking horny? They're creepy enough already without perving on underage girls. God.
Horniness 6/5 - That fucking puppet
Gayness 0/5 - That fucking puppet
Coolness of Villain 0/5 - That fucking puppet didn't even have the balls to be the real villain
Fun 0/5 - That fucking puppet
Episode 10 - The Spooky Dream Episode
Decent episode. Buffy becomes a vampire. There is implied child abuse.
Horniness 4/5
Gayness 3/5 - That fucking puppet
Coolness of Villain 0/5 - but only because child abuse is never cool, it's kind of well written.
Fun 4/5 - Nightmares are cool!
Episode 11 - The Bullying is Good Actually Episode
In which a bullied girl turns invisible and tries to take revenge and oddly the episode spends more time sympathizing with her bully because "being popular is hard" rather than sympathizing with her. I will admit that she turned into a stark raving murderer, but still. I found her sympathetic.
This episode is wild because unlike every other episode (which ends with Buffy killing the monster), this one ends with the FBI SHOWING UP AND ARRESTING HER??? Like what? Out of nowhere, bam! FBI! Arresting her! And then they imply that the principal is in on the existence of magic and working with the FBI to cover it up? AND THEN THEY IMPLY THE FBI HAVE A SCHOOL OF INVISIBLE PEOPLE TRAINING TO BE ASSASSINS????
Wild. So hopeful at least some of this comes back. If the FBI randomly showing up becomes a once a season thing, I'll be so happy.
Horniness 3/5 - Surprisingly peaceful
Gayness 4/5 - Please someone put me in contact with whoever did Xander's wardrobe
Coolness of Villain 4/5 - Deserved more sympathy
Fun 5/5 - THE FBI SHOWED UP???
Episode 12 - The Season Finale
A fun fact about me is that I hate chosen one plots. I hate em. Buffy subverts it by having Buffy repeatedly refuse to go along with it, which I appreciate it.
Horniness 5/5 - There were tentacles
Gayness 1/5 - Straight episode :(
Coolness of Villain 0/5 - Tries to kill her, just kind of throws her to the ground without checking and walks off. Complete failure.
Fun 3/5 - Ending felt a little anticlimactic, missing something
Final Thoughts
I'm enjoying it! I have weird thoughts about the rampant horniness, mostly because they're all canonically 16. It's episodic, which is interesting. You don't really get that anymore (in my limited expirience), and I think it adds something nice. It's relaxing, in a way. I don't have to focus on everything. I can just let it vibe and enjoy the characters.
The special effects are terrible and I kind of love it. There was a scene where they showed telekineses by having a character kind of throw an axe as though it was being yanked, and then cutting to it landing in someone else's hand. If that were done today, there would've been an expensive animated sequence. But this version worked really well! Practical effects are great and I love them. There's some clever cinematography and I'll always have a softspot for silly costumes. Modern CGI is a mess and overused and making monster design lazy.
I'm currently halfway through season 2, so no spoilers please! I'm trying to get an unbiased viewing expirience. I will say that I'm enjoying it a lot (Spike is so good, omg). If this post is enjoyable, I may do the second season as well.
In conclusion, if you look like the hyena lesbian and you're maybe possessed by an evil animal ghost, please slip into my dms to coordinate ripping me limb from limb. Thank you.
Today's link of the day is Botwiki! It's a list of bots! Especially Mastodon bots! They have an RSS feed that just posts Mastodon bots! I recommend it.