Okay, so like, how do people date? What the fuck is a date anyway?
I'm just kidding. I know what a date is. I'd even say I know it better than a lot of people I know, who kind of stammer something vague when you ask them to define "flirting" or "date" or "dating". I have a personal definition for each of these! Maybe I'll even include them as an addendum for this post!
Nah, my issue isn't with "how do people DATE", it's with "how do PEOPLE date". Also, by "people", I specifically mean people with extreme chronic fatigue or similarly debilitating conditions. I mean, let me walk you through this. I live in my parent's basement because I struggle to physically take care of myself on my own. Keeping my space clean and cooking enough food is just more physical exertion than my body can handle. I also cannot walk for more than a couple of minutes at a time, often using a push wheelchair when I leave the house. Even with that, I can't really manage more than an hour or two being outside and doing things before I have to come home and rest. Even indoors at home activities exhaust me within a couple of hours and then I cannot do anything else for the day.
All this just creates a fascinating air of complication around the whole concept of dating. It is definitely possible. Do not get me wrong, I definitely see how it is possible. But it's tricky. It requires a lot of patience and understanding and cooperation from anyone who tries to date me. It puts a severe limit on possible dating activities in a way that I know some people might find frustrating (I'm a some people). I mean, half the stuff on my list of peak date activities is out (bike ride + picnic, for example). But of course, the real challenge is finding someone to date.
As far as I'm aware, all my friends in this city are either uninterested in me or taken. This reduces my dating pool to people I don't already know, which creates a huge problem in two ways. One is that I'm not really meeting anyone at the moment. I'm not exactly leaving my house much. The other, which to my mind is the real problem, is that in order to have a successful date with a stranger, I have to completely lay out all the details of my disability prior to our first interaction. This is awkward and, more concerningly, incredibly vulnerable in a way I don't particularly enjoy. Without having a chance to get someone past a basic vibe check, I don't like how that leaves me exposed to ableism. I don't like the tone it starts the relationship off on. Call me vain, but I want to be fun and flirty, not disabled and awkward about it. And that still doesn't solve the basic problems. I'm a big believer in first meeting strangers in public places, especially when met through dating apps. But I have a hard time going to a public place! I don't feel comfortable letting someone I just met push my wheelchair around, but having a third wheel present for wheelchair pushing is an even more awkward time and without the wheelchair I can't make it all. But I don't feel comfortable inviting strangers back to my place without that vibe check meeting in public.
I've asked around a bit and gotten one useful suggestion which is to ask my friends if they know anyone who is looking for dates. It's a good thought, as it reduces the scaryness of a stranger. But so far, it hasn't landed anything. Apart from that, no one has really had any good advice. I don't really expect them to. I've been over this a lot in my head and not come up with anything. I'm not sure it is really a solveable problem. Sometimes being disabled means giving up on things you really want.
And, you know, there are bigger problems in my life than being single. Like the disability. But dammit do I miss dating. I enjoy romance. I enjoy close companionship. I enjoy flirting and kissing and sex. I deserve to have a chance at these things as much as anyone else. I just don't know how to get there. If you have any pro tips on dating while disabled, let me know in the comments.
Bonus feature!
flirting - A game played by two or more people. To win the game, you must force your opponent to admit they are attracted to you before you are forced to admit you are attracted to them. As your prize, you may decide how the interaction proceeds (making out is a common suggestion). However, the game is also cooperative. If you ever leave your opponent with no room to maneuver the conversation, you both lose and you both lose out on the chance to make out. Thus, a large part of the skill of the game is finding ways to keep your opponent in the game.
date An activity partaken by two or more people, where everyone involved collectively agrees that it constitutes a date. Sometimes involves kissing.
dating A state held by two or more people, where everyone involved collectively agrees that it constitutes dating.
Today's link of the day is Every 5x6 Nonogram