My good friend made their website at the same time as me. They've also written several brilliant blog posts since then. Much much prettier than the ugly ass backend Python code that generates this website, which I wrote during that same timeframe.
I have been struggling so hard to write a first blog post. Like, so hard you guys. And, after agonizing about possible topics for ages, I think that I want to unpack the source of my difficulties. Not because I think it would be especially interesting or enlightening or even that relevant for anyone else, but because I think it will be good for me. Hold onto that thought, we'll come back to it in a bit.
See, I've been thinking about the purpose of blogging to really try and nail something core and important and deep and fundamental with this blog. And I can't do it. Nothing comes to mind. Every single topic I can think of for a blog post doesn't seem worthy. I'm not very special, right? Why would anyone care what I have to say about anything?
Sure, I have observations about game development, but as a hobbyist with only 2 years or so of expirience, I'm not really qualified for them to mean anything. Sure, I read a lot about big tech and capitalism and could probably synthesize something interesting to say. But do I really have the privilege to say it? Do I have anything intelligent to say about anything? Why would anyone care what I have to say at all?
And, dear reader, let me tell you: this is a batshit wild thing to think.
I read a lot of blogs. My RSS feed reader (NetNewsWire, would recommend) currently scans 162 feeds for content and I check it daily. And while I would estimate only half of that are actual blogs, as opposed to videos, updates, actual news sites, etc, that's still a lot of blogs. And with all that, I can confidently say that I have never once thought "why would I care about this" while reading a blog.
Nobody is qualified to write a blog because you don't have to be. That's the beauty of it. If any of my friends said they wanted to start a blog I'd tell them "fuck yeah"! And then I'd nag them about the important of RSS.
And you know what all this is? Imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome is something I have always struggled with, as anyone who I've asked to hold my hand while I post a video game has seen. And I don't have any good tips or secrets for getting through it, apart from maybe finding friends who push you a lot and occasionally drinking wine and doing something stupid.
See, let me tell you a secret: I've also been struggling a lot with game development too. And it's the exact same reason. I've gotten inside my own head and I'm trying to create perfection. I've forgotten how to have fun with it. My best hits came about from all the times I was just fucking with the engine to see what would happen and had a "holy shit that was hilarious, I want to do that again" moment. And now I'm looking out at the start of development and trying to map the whole thing in my head, trying to give it a moral and a message and a story and multiple layers.
But you know what? On carefully reflecting upon all of this, I've come to one very important conclusion: fuck all that.
There's several reasons for this change in process. I want to push myself, which is a good one. But I haven't been playing enough indie games, which is a bad one. And worst of all, I've been reading too much from people with a lot of opinions about what indie games should look like and do. Some people think games should have messages and always be deep and do this and that and the other thing. And you know what? Screw that. I wanna make lil goofy silly games that put smiles on peoples faces for an hour and then fade into nothing. That's a good role to have. I can be happy with that. If I just remember how.
So that's my goal. This post is for me, not you, because it's going to stand as a monument to my new life goal: to eradicate imposter syndrome. I am powerful, I make cool things, and if people don't like my things they are welcome to not follow me. But if you do like what I do? Feel free to follow along through RSS (seriously I handcoded the RSS feed generator which was actually the single most frustrating part of this project).
We're gonna embrace chaos. We're gonna embrace doing things wrong. And we're not gonna worry about quality. All the parts of game development I hate? We're getting rid of them. Say goodbye to polish, smooth menus, fancy graphics, smooth animations, etc. Maybe I'll partner with someone who likes doing that stuff eventually. But right now? Just gonna do what feels fun. And see what happens.
And that gives me a path forwards for this blog. I'm giving myself permission to fuck around. It's whatever I find interesting. It's a testament to my failures. It's an external brain. It's for me, not for you.