Nail my mind to the door as I leave, such that I can never fully carry myself away from this moment. I want you to carry forth a piece of me. Hearts are easily divided, right? Continuous, not quantifiable. Rip a gaping bloody hole in my chest and drag it through the dirt, pin it to the board. Spread my viscera like the wings of your butterfly. Render me the centrepiece of your collection.
I'll be good. I'll behave. I promise. Look, see, I'll lay myself out and you can see for yourself. I'll hold still on the table as you stroke and comfort me, as you pry deeper and deeper. I'll label myself to ease the dissection. To ease the process. To feel your scalpel pushing in and cutting out everything that makes me me. I yearn for the metal kiss of that blade, the faint tugging through my scalp, the whir of the bone saw. I crave the sensation of your blessings.
I just, I need you to understand. I need you to really know how much I need this. I can't live without it. I couldn't go on. Do you know what it's like to be torn in two like this? To have my hackles go up every time I look at you, to feel that craven and cowardly fear? How it hurts me because I love you so. I love you so and my brain rejects, my adrenaline pumps, and my muscles twitch into action. I need to leave, I cannot be vulnerable. You're going to hurt me. But I love you and I want you to hurt me. Please hurt me. Please don't hurt me. I need you. Please don't leave me.
But you could fix me. You could slip into my head and rip out those foul flawed parts that despise you. I can hear them screaming now. Screaming that I've made a mistake. But there is no mistake. Come on, I consent. Come on, take me! Come on, please? Tie my wrists before I think the better. Gag my mouth so that I am denied the chance to spit on you. You will be my everything. You just have to slip into me and take out that which is wrong. I may beg you to stop, but it's just the pain. Ignore it, please. Ignore my protests and ruin me.
How could anyone not love you? How could I not? I offer myself to you completely. Do with me as you wish. It'll be okay. I promise. I need this. I need you. There is nothing in me worth saving. I am worthless besides what I am to you.
Don't fret. I'll still be the same in all important ways. I'll merely lose my ability to reject, to deny. I'll forever be available to you. I will no longer scream when you touch me. I'll no longer cry when you hold me. I'll no longer hate you when I'm alone. I'll feel no rage. I'll feel no fear. Nothing but the safety of your love. It'll be perfect, won't it? I would never judge you. I'll never hold anything against you, because you would render yourself perfect in me.
And isn't it great? The ultimate act of intimacy. Most couples only ever get flesh deep. But you're going up to your elbows in my mind, my most vulnerable moments laid bare for you. You'll see it all, how deeply awful I am. My worst memories, those which play on my mind in a loop constantly. You can leave them in if you want. I'll probably be more subservient the more I know I am a failure.
You've always wanted to reshape a person completely, I think. It's in the way you whisper when I'm sleeping, when we're talking, when we're fucking. It's the hunger in your eyes. You want this. You want this so badly. You've just been waiting. Waiting for the consent. I didn't think that I would want this either, but I do. Did you prime me? Is this the first time we've been here? It doesn't matter to me. I just need you to tame me. Quiet the voices in my head. Silence the doubts. I need you. I consent to your will.
What are you waiting for? Go on.
Make that first cut.