"Don't use the time machine", I said to myself.
"Okay", I said back.
"I really mean it!", I added.
"Got it", I said.
"You're really going to want to! But you shouldn't!", said my future self.
"Understood", I lied.
Dear reader, I used the fuck out of that time machine.
I took a vacay in the year 3000, enjoying the perfect spa treatments of the future. Did you know that they don't use money in the year 3000? I do now. Surely, my future self would change their gosh darned mind once they saw what a pedicure from the year 3000 looks like. My nails have shiny nanobots that change their pattern to coordinate with whatever I'm wearing. Isn't that awesome? Screw you future self. I saw your perfect nails and I think you just didn't want me to look as good as you. Well, I do. I may not have your sexy gray hair, but damn do I look good.
Travelled through history and met some cool people. Did drugs with Lovelace (she has great ideas that never made the history books). Measured Napoleon with a tape measure for kicks (he didn't like it). Went to Steven Hawking's party (it slapped). Fuck you, future self. Fuck you and your petty jealous ass for trying to stop me.
I met a cool queer called X. Turned out to be my future self. Admittedly, less future than the future self I hate. And, surprise! X hates em too. We joined forces. We kissed. We may have explored each others bodies. Darn future self, always cockblocking me from the other me.
I have a confession to make, dear reader. I've forgotten what time I came from. I don't actually know when home is. It's kind of a problem. Although, in a way, it isn't. I've been out here for years, roaming the superhighways of the cosmos. Exploring. Going to the most important historical events. I mean, even if I could find my way home, would I want to stay? How would I explain that I'm now 8 years older and my sexual baseline is orgies consisting entirely of myself and also key historical figures?
In the year 2245, the Mars colony opens its first water slide. I was the first person to ride it. In the year 2048, the first general intelligence came online. I was the first person to crack a fart joke at it. In the year 3549, first contact happened. The aliens already thought we were gods. Whoops. That was my doing.
I went back in time, changed my name to X, and made out with my past self. God, I was such a cutie. Can't believe that something happened between now and getting old that would make me not want to do this. Isn't the best possible life? Perfect company (me) and all the timeline to explore. It's great!
I'm effectively immortal (thanks 4960). I can change my face or appearance at a whim. I decided it might be fun to try being important people. I tried to be Malloria Kiti, the hero who unified the world in 2084. I hit her over the head, dragged her behind a bush, and got ready to do the speech for her. Only, at the last second, another me jumped out, hit me over the head, dragged me behind a bush, and did the speech for me. And they did a way worse job than I would've done! This sucks.
Maybe this is what my future self was warning me about.
Just to show them up, I went back to the speech, hit them over the head, dragged them behind a bush, and did the speech for them. Only, as I was on my way to the bush, another me popped out, hit me over the head, dragged me behind a bush, and did the speech for me. What the heck! How many bushes could there be!
Alright, this means war. I, naturally, went back in time to before that me could hit me over the head, drag me behind a bush, and do the speech for me, so I could hit them over the head, drag them behind a bush, and watch my own performance of the speech. Only, it would appear they had the same idea, because there was another them lying in wait, ready to hit me over the head, drag me behind a bush, and watch themself do the speech.
Well shit. Fuck this. Fuck me. New plan.
I went back in time a little further, seduced the self that was lying in wait, dragged them behind a bush, had really hot sex, and then watched myself do the speech. Except I did a really terrible job! How awful. The me that got through had not practiced enough at all.
I could do better than that! I went back in time, hit myself over the head, dragged myself behind a bush, pretended I wasn't having deja vu, and then went to do the speech. Except, I was on the way to the speech, when a super sexy version of me stepped out, dressed in super sexy underwear and seduced me. And you know, a fun fact about me, is that I'm so sexy, I cannot resist myself. I kinda had to.
Except now there wasn't a me to do the speech. Shit. That speech had to happen or I couldn't've gotten the disguise tech necessary to make this whole madcap plan work. Well, there was only way to make this work. I had to go back in time and rescue the original Malloria Kiti.
It was pretty easy, all things considered. I was so distracted with hitting her over the head, dragging her behind a bush, and then doing the speech, that I didn't at all notice myself coming over to hit myself over the head, drag myself behind a bush, and then watch her do the speech. Wait. Is that her? Is that a me? Shit, I don't actually know. Point turned out to be moot. Another me hopped out to hit her over the head, drag her behind a bush, and do the speech for her. That me barely lasted two steps before almost getting seduced, only for the seducer to get hit over the head, dragged behind a bush, and dumped.
You know what? Fuck this. My future self was right. I should not have used the time machine. Clearly, I didn't do a good enough job telling myself that. No matter. It's pretty easy to hop back in time, hit me over the head, drag me behind a bush, and do the "no time travel" speech myself. Wait. Shit. Oh my fucking god. Shit. I just got hit over the head and dragged behind a bush. God fucking damn it.